My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
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Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
wow
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself