My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
You Might Also Like
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
B
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
#milo
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.