My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
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They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.