My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
You Might Also Like
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?