My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
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My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
happy friday
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real