My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
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kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!