My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
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I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s