My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
You Might Also Like
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.