My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
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Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Noah was an idiot.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
the greatest twitter interaction
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.