@david8hughes [boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
@Cheeseboy22 My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
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@david8hughes 
@GibJimson If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
@JimmerThatisAll If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
@nickeldoodle *Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
@ThePoke How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
@RealPrincessKim Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
@Unknown10837 I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
@AmishPornStar1 Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
@TheCattyLady Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
@ddsmidt There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.