My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

You Might Also Like


[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy


If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.


*Robber runs into Chipotle*
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
“It’s extra”


Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.


I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.


Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!


Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.


There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.