@Cheeseboy22

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

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@truegritrumble

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

@ramzy

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

@shutupmikeginn

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

@LostFelicia

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

@TweetsByTheTony

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

@OffTheHutch

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

@rachelle_mandik

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

@shamanhealer

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!