@truegritrumble ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
@Cheeseboy22 My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
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@truegritrumble 
@ShortSleeveSuit Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
@ramzy 9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
@shutupmikeginn if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
@MoonChildJess Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
@LostFelicia The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
@TweetsByTheTony The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
@OffTheHutch An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
@rachelle_mandik I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
@shamanhealer Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!