@Cheeseboy22

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

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@david8hughes

[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy

@GibJimson

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

@nickeldoodle

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

@RealPrincessKim

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

@Unknown10837

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

@AmishPornStar1

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

@TheCattyLady

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

@ddsmidt

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.