My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

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ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.


Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free


9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*


if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun


The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.


The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.


An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.


I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”


Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!