My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
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Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
my first day as a raccoon
Fries, not lies.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice