My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
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Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
❤️❤️❤️
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.