My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
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*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Venn
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.