My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
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Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.