My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

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I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”


*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*


Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*


Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.


Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.


I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.


*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*


I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support


Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.