My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
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When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Just grow your own
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?