My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
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burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Did my cat write this
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight