My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
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So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.