Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

[Ouija board in Starbucks]

“Speak to me spirits”

O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G

G R O S S

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)

SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?