my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
You Might Also Like
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]