My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
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Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
At Walmart during the holidays like..