My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
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Finally a use for spoilers…
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.