My wife was nonchalant about Facebook getting rid of fact-checking until she found out the post about Henry Cavill being the new James Bond was fake and now she’s researching class-action lawsuits.
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*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down