My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
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FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.