My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
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You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
the dark web is just a goth google.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.