my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
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They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
🍛
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out