My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
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Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird