@AbbyHasIssues Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
@XplodingUnicorn My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
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@AbbyHasIssues 
@sjredmond Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
@bazecraze Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
@seanforhire if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
@UnFitz “Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
@DomBorrett Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
@Bunnydurden Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
@highinamerica Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
@wakeupangry Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
@mommeh_dearest And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”