My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
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Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now