Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.

My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!

Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.