My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
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World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Flock of bats
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.