My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
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Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo