My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.

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Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.


Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.


Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal


If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think


A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.


My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”