My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
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in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
They must have gotten it to go.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.