My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
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[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms