My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
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(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Buying a well is money well spent.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.