My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
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Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”