My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

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Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t


Me: buy the kids


Me: a trampoline.



Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?


Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.


“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating


Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.


There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.


Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.


[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there


can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week