@Brianhopecomedy

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

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@TheRealNickKay

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

@behindyourback

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

@Kimgee8

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

@_Water_Baby

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

@ericsshadow

How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?

@TheTweetOfGod

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

@Donna_McCoy

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

@ddsmidt

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

@Cidisn

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.