My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
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Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
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The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!