My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
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*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Breaking news:
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.