My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
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I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
So creative 😂
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap