My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
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Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?