My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
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SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.