@TheAndrewNadeau

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

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@Brianhopecomedy

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

@TheToddWilliams

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

@HlaoRoo

NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.

Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.

I win.

@tealbluejay

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

@notmythirdrodeo

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

@Carter_TCB

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

@SassyCanadian0

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

@JimmerThatisAll

“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story.”

@Coolisiana

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years