*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
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I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Bond. Trauma bond.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?