My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
You Might Also Like
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit