My work here is done
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*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus