My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
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I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.