My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
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I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING