My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

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Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?


[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*


If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.


ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that


Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.


Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me


Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.


*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*


Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.