My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
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Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Nice try, NASA
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.