My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
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Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Rt to bother an English speaker
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Siri: Retweet me.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”