My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
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a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity