My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
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STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!