My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
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I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Comparing yourself to others
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[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.