@online_shawn

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

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@okimstillhungry

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

@deadndreaming

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

@JermHimselfish

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

@noog

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

@david8hughes

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

@thatdutchperson

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.

@dinokitten

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”